What the hell am I supposed to do?

It is a question that he has been pondering all day long and yet one that he couldn’t seemingly find an answer to. It’s just a movie, Sebbens, get it together. It shouldn’t be this fucking hard.

The money and fame associated with this one could change everything about his career and he wasn’t sure if he was ready. How would he handle fame? How would he handle being spotted and followed going to the airport and going to the store to get groceries. Not that he really thought that would happen but the thought still crossed his mind, regardless.

He had gone in as a joke, a prank on himself and some of his closest friends. Oh, wouldn’t it be funny if Alex went in and read for that crazy psychopath Christian Grey? Not that the bloke is even handsome enough to book the fucking gig. That seemed like a challenge and Alex was always up for a challenge. Just to prove a point, he had called up his agent right there and then and booked himself a time to go in and read for this handsome psychopath that everyone seemed keen that he could never play. At least he had been invited to read. That’ll show them.

He had stared at the email that his agent had sent him for an hour, offering him the role of Christian Grey. Was he in over his head now? Could he actually do this film, in good faith? Surely they would have wanted a bigger name to star in the movie that everyone was humming about. Surely they didn’t want Alexander Sebbens, television and stage star, to grace the big screen in this movie about sex and the BDSM lifestyle. Surely this was a mistake.

As he continued to read, he realised it was no mistake and he thought about what this all meant. How would his family react? How would his friends, the ones who ridiculed and teased him relentlessly, react to the fact that their friend had actually booked this insane fucking movie? How would she react?

He took a large gulp of scotch to ease all of the chatter in his mind for a moment. The alcohol went down, stinging his throat and felt hot in his chest, traveling down, and he felt like he could feel heat everywhere. His senses were heightened right now, completely and totally aware of everything that was around him.

Alex did a mental checklist of the pros and cons quickly and efficiently. They needed an answer from him, and soon, since filming was only months away. It felt like if he did the film he would be selling his soul to the devil; going against everything that he artistically stood for as an actor. It was an amazing opportunity for exposure but at what cost? His dignity and character were suddenly placed on the line as he let himself take another gulp, larger this time, to soothe the voices in his head once more.

Nothing could truly prepare him for the moment where he thought he would actually have to turn something down because of his dignity but even this was crossing boundaries he didn’t know existed. Perhaps I should have actually read the books, he thought for a moment, amused that he hadn’t even put in the proper research time he usually allows himself when auditioning for a role. This was all outside of his comfort zone and he could feel his heart beat faster.

If he made the wrong decision now he knew that it could permanently damage him later. This contract was a thorough one; one that had included three films, should the first one do well and the studio seemed to think that it would make it to the third film. Could he play this character that women everywhere seemed to fawn over, even if he couldn’t fathom why. From all accounts, he seemed like a mentally unstable stalker who had some sort of rich boy problems and was lusting after some girl he couldn’t, and probably shouldn’t, have. Not to mention the numerous amounts of sex scenes he’d have to film, although his contract did not have full frontal nudity enclosed, which was a small relief.

The thought of losing people in his life had crossed his mind, those who were not supportive of his choices or the film in general. It was the hardest pill to swallow and, quite frankly, the reason why he was taking so damn long to make a decision. The disappointment of others was something that Alex did not take well too and he was prone to simply shut down and stash it away for another day and place.

No one could argue the exposure and the money, though. It was absolutely the biggest opportunity that he had since moving to Los Angeles and he didn’t want to let it slip past him. Everyone would understand that, right? He hoped that would be the case but it was still a concern, even after several more gulps of the beverage that he knew would help him to make the right decision.

He opened the email and looked over everything again in full detail, not leaving anything unread. Alex had combed through at least a half dozen times since he had received it and he could feel his eyes start to cross from reading the same lines over and over again. One more gulp of his liquid courage would certainly aide in his decision.

He tentatively typed his response and before he could make any corrections he hit the send button.

I’m in. I’ll be sure to send over all the signed paperwork tomorrow morning.